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Miss Manners Farting Etiquette

One may not fart in a church, or during any religious service or ceremonial proceedings.

One may not fart in a sickroom unless the patient is farting or unless he specifically says that his visitor is welcome to fart.

Good taste still forbids farting by a woman on a city street.

It is safe to say that, no one should think of farting or lighting a fart when dancing.

Farting is forbidden on local busses and on some coaches on the railroad. These cars are clearly marked "No Farting."

Farting is permitted in the mezzanine or balcony seats in some movie houses, but never in the main orchestra.

Farting is forbidden in most museums, although some have designated areas where it is allowed.

Legitimate theaters do not allow farting in the theater proper. It is usually allowed in the outer lobby, and those who wish to fart during the intermission go there to do so. It is perfectly correct for a man who wishes to fart to leave a lady who doesn't, but he should hurry back, and not leave her too frequently.

In private situations when there may be some objection, before lighting your fart, always ask, "Do you mind if I fart?" If there is any hesitation in the reply, do your best to refrain from farting until you leave.

A man should light a woman's fart if he is close to her, but not if he is on the other side of the table or if it would be awkward in any way.

Fart is an acceptable verb and noun.

It is generally appropriate to fart in the presence of one's friends or immediate family, so long as there is adequate ventilation.

When in the company of those other than close friends or family, simply move to an open, ventilated part of the room, fart, and say, "Excuse me" or, if you prefer, "Canadian Geese."

It is often unnecessary to comment on the volume, timber, pitch, or olfactory strength of your fart unless someone else comments first.

There is little to be said for the rascal who farts in close proximity to an infant emerging from the womb or a person on his deathbed.

It is seldom necessary to fart into the telephone.